Spolitics Endorses John Kerry for President
It’s at times like these when America is challenged by extremists
bent on eradicating freedom from the face of the Earth that we
need to take stock of what’s important. We here at Spolitics
believe that President Bush is the best choice for Commander in
Chief to lead us through these trying times. However, Spolitics is
devoted to political satire and what’s most important to us is
electing a comedy-rich target. That is why we are endorsing John
Kerry for President.
John Kerry is like a loose-lipped traveling huckster selling his
medicines to the country folk and promising all kinds of life-
changing results. Go ahead and picture him wearing a straw hat
and you’ll see what we mean. “Step right up and get your jobs,
get your health care, get your free medicines all for less than two
bits but we'll still make the rich pay for it. Won't cost you a dime,
no siree.” He'll say anything to make a sale.
Who else would accuse the President of lying about an Iraq-al
Qaeda tie while sharing his campaign stump with the previous
President who claimed that a dangerous relationship between
Saddam and Osama was the reason why he ordered the bombing
of a chemical factory in the Sudan. When the press was accusing
Clinton of wagging the dog, he was pretty damn sure Saddam and
Osama were in cahoots trying to develop biological weapons.
Now Mr. “wrong war at the wrong time” has the guy
campaigning for him. That’s classic Kerry! Sure you might think
it's a contradiction but he has a thousand Senate speeches he can
point to in which he “was very clear about this.”
Kerry really doesn’t stand for anything. He will say, and has said,
just about anything to get elected including attacking a man who
has had four heart attacks for getting a flu shot. That’s funny to
us.
Bush says what he means and he has a vision: spread freedom
abroad and promote an ownership society at home. There’s
nothing funny about that.
Yes, we here at Spolitics do have some qualms about endorsing a
man who is willing to play politics with our national security and
tell the American people flat out lies that contradict his own past
statements if it provides him material for the stump. But, the
opportunities he provides Spolitics with which to make fun of him
far outweigh those concerns.
Consider Kerry's accusation that the Bush tax cuts were a
giveaway to the rich. Kerry says Bush and his rich cronies need
to pay their fair share. But the President himself pays taxes at a
29% rate. Meanwhile, Kerry’s wife Teresa, who files separately
from him and refuses to make her entire tax returns public, pays
only about 12% in taxes. Most Americans pay 14% and above.
And most Americans have a lot less money than Teresa. (No
wonder Kerry's against tax reform.) And we could write an
article about how Kerry could finance his health care plan if he
could just convince his wife to stop dodging the IRS. He doesn’t
even need to be elected President to do that.
Think of all the comedy Kerry has given us: there’s the NASA
“condom suit” photos; the Elmer Fudd-like duck hunt where he
was man enough to shoot a duck but not man enough to carry it
himself and his excuse was it was too hard for him to focus
because the Red Sox beat the Yankees in ALCS; the shrapnel he
got in his butt when he killed Viet Cong rice with a hand grenade;
those four SUVs he owns that are not his; the top advisor of his
who stuffed secret documents down his pants; and the fact that
he thinks the Packers play in “Lambert Field” yet accuses the
President of being out of touch. We could go on and on, but we’ll
only be able to if Kerry wins the election and remains in the
national spotlight, thus providing us with his valuable “nuances.”
(Keep in mind Daschle could be on his way out.) That is why,
Spolitics awards it’s coveted endorsement to Mr. John Forbes
Kerry. Just keep making us laugh, Mr. Kerry.
It’s at times like these when America is challenged by extremists
bent on eradicating freedom from the face of the Earth that we
need to take stock of what’s important. We here at Spolitics
believe that President Bush is the best choice for Commander in
Chief to lead us through these trying times. However, Spolitics is
devoted to political satire and what’s most important to us is
electing a comedy-rich target. That is why we are endorsing John
Kerry for President.
John Kerry is like a loose-lipped traveling huckster selling his
medicines to the country folk and promising all kinds of life-
changing results. Go ahead and picture him wearing a straw hat
and you’ll see what we mean. “Step right up and get your jobs,
get your health care, get your free medicines all for less than two
bits but we'll still make the rich pay for it. Won't cost you a dime,
no siree.” He'll say anything to make a sale.
Who else would accuse the President of lying about an Iraq-al
Qaeda tie while sharing his campaign stump with the previous
President who claimed that a dangerous relationship between
Saddam and Osama was the reason why he ordered the bombing
of a chemical factory in the Sudan. When the press was accusing
Clinton of wagging the dog, he was pretty damn sure Saddam and
Osama were in cahoots trying to develop biological weapons.
Now Mr. “wrong war at the wrong time” has the guy
campaigning for him. That’s classic Kerry! Sure you might think
it's a contradiction but he has a thousand Senate speeches he can
point to in which he “was very clear about this.”
Kerry really doesn’t stand for anything. He will say, and has said,
just about anything to get elected including attacking a man who
has had four heart attacks for getting a flu shot. That’s funny to
us.
Bush says what he means and he has a vision: spread freedom
abroad and promote an ownership society at home. There’s
nothing funny about that.
Yes, we here at Spolitics do have some qualms about endorsing a
man who is willing to play politics with our national security and
tell the American people flat out lies that contradict his own past
statements if it provides him material for the stump. But, the
opportunities he provides Spolitics with which to make fun of him
far outweigh those concerns.
Consider Kerry's accusation that the Bush tax cuts were a
giveaway to the rich. Kerry says Bush and his rich cronies need
to pay their fair share. But the President himself pays taxes at a
29% rate. Meanwhile, Kerry’s wife Teresa, who files separately
from him and refuses to make her entire tax returns public, pays
only about 12% in taxes. Most Americans pay 14% and above.
And most Americans have a lot less money than Teresa. (No
wonder Kerry's against tax reform.) And we could write an
article about how Kerry could finance his health care plan if he
could just convince his wife to stop dodging the IRS. He doesn’t
even need to be elected President to do that.
Think of all the comedy Kerry has given us: there’s the NASA
“condom suit” photos; the Elmer Fudd-like duck hunt where he
was man enough to shoot a duck but not man enough to carry it
himself and his excuse was it was too hard for him to focus
because the Red Sox beat the Yankees in ALCS; the shrapnel he
got in his butt when he killed Viet Cong rice with a hand grenade;
those four SUVs he owns that are not his; the top advisor of his
who stuffed secret documents down his pants; and the fact that
he thinks the Packers play in “Lambert Field” yet accuses the
President of being out of touch. We could go on and on, but we’ll
only be able to if Kerry wins the election and remains in the
national spotlight, thus providing us with his valuable “nuances.”
(Keep in mind Daschle could be on his way out.) That is why,
Spolitics awards it’s coveted endorsement to Mr. John Forbes
Kerry. Just keep making us laugh, Mr. Kerry.
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