Spolitics.com’s Guide to the Murtha Doctrine
by Heywood U. Reedmore
sound foreign policy, i.e. when the enemy attacks you, you need to
“change direction.” Specifically, you need to turn around and run the
other way. But this is not “cutting and running.” This is simply not
“staying and paying.” And there are many countries we can run to
where presumably we can pay a lot less to stay.
2. Wars are expensive and tough on the soldiers. So, according to the
Murtha Doctrine, instead of fighting them, the U.S. military should re-
deploy its soldiers to the periphery of wars. For example, the front in
the War on Terror should be moved from Iraq to Okinawa, Japan.
Because of Japanese efficiency and cheap Chinese labor, wars are a lot
cheaper in Asia.
3. The Murtha Doctrine stipulates that there is no need to actually be in
the country, or on the battlefield, where you are actually fighting a
war. Murtha points to the killing of Zarqawi as an example of how this
works: “The information came from the Iraqis, to the Iraqis, to the US
and then we bombed where he was, so… it came from the outside.”
For this reason, the Murtha Doctrine argues that because the
redeployment of troops to Okinawa Japan would make those troops
further “outside,” they would be more effective against the insurgents
in Iraq. “Our fighters can fly from Okinawa very quickly,” says
Murtha.
--continued below--
by Heywood U. Reedmore
- Congressman and aspiring House
Majority Leader John Murtha
unveiled the Murtha Doctrine this
weekend on Meet the Press. It's the
most comprehensive plan offered
by the Democrats to date. In fact,
the Murtha Doctrine is so rich with
complexities, Spolitics.com has
developed the following guide to
help people comprehend its nuances.
sound foreign policy, i.e. when the enemy attacks you, you need to
“change direction.” Specifically, you need to turn around and run the
other way. But this is not “cutting and running.” This is simply not
“staying and paying.” And there are many countries we can run to
where presumably we can pay a lot less to stay.
2. Wars are expensive and tough on the soldiers. So, according to the
Murtha Doctrine, instead of fighting them, the U.S. military should re-
deploy its soldiers to the periphery of wars. For example, the front in
the War on Terror should be moved from Iraq to Okinawa, Japan.
Because of Japanese efficiency and cheap Chinese labor, wars are a lot
cheaper in Asia.
3. The Murtha Doctrine stipulates that there is no need to actually be in
the country, or on the battlefield, where you are actually fighting a
war. Murtha points to the killing of Zarqawi as an example of how this
works: “The information came from the Iraqis, to the Iraqis, to the US
and then we bombed where he was, so… it came from the outside.”
For this reason, the Murtha Doctrine argues that because the
redeployment of troops to Okinawa Japan would make those troops
further “outside,” they would be more effective against the insurgents
in Iraq. “Our fighters can fly from Okinawa very quickly,” says
Murtha.
--continued below--
4. Because the Bush administration’s plans for Iraq were devised in
air conditioned offices and because Karl Rove is fat and his salary is
paid by the American taxpayer, the Bush administration has no plan
for Iraq and therefore, victory in Iraq is impossible. It’s easy for
Karl Rove to say stay the course from his air conditioned office in
D.C., so, the Murtha Doctrine will call for Rove to be re-deployed
to Okinawa where his non-plan for staying the course can be
regarded more earnestly. The Murtha Doctrine also calls for Karl
Rove to go on a diet, so his ideas will be able to qualify for “plan”
status. This will help the U.S. regain its stature in the world.
5. The Murtha doctrine calls for the redeployment of all air
conditioners in Washington to Okinawa where they will better help
the troops fight the terrorists in Iraq. In addition, the lack of air
conditioners in D.C. will help lend more credibility to the Bush
administration’s non-plans for the War on Terror. The air
conditioning re-deployment will be paid for with a “windfall profits”
tax on Halliburton. We use a lot of oil and the Murtha Doctrine
understands this, but the Chinese use a lot, too.
6. Taking a stand that will probably draw the ire of Democrats, the
Murtha Doctrine says we have already won the military war, that it
was accomplished when Saddam’s regime was toppled and that
there was no more reason for the military to be in Iraq. This is yet
another reason why the Murtha Doctrine argues for the military to
be re-deployed to Okinawa, where Saddam’s regime is still thriving.
7. In summation, the Murtha Doctrine states that Iraq is worse
today than it was six months ago and that “staying the course is not
a plan” because Karl Rove’s office is air conditioned. The Murtha
Doctrine further states that the U.S. military’s presence in Iraq is
the problem and if we just leave, everything will be resolved. As
evidence of this, Murtha points to Karl Rove’s weight. Murtha uses
the following analogy to explain his doctrine: if you are playing a
football game and neither team is winning, you are therefore losing.
In order to win, you need to move your team to another stadium
and that way you can run your plays without anyone getting
tackled. Meanwhile, because you left the original stadium, your
opponent will simply give up and go home.
air conditioned offices and because Karl Rove is fat and his salary is
paid by the American taxpayer, the Bush administration has no plan
for Iraq and therefore, victory in Iraq is impossible. It’s easy for
Karl Rove to say stay the course from his air conditioned office in
D.C., so, the Murtha Doctrine will call for Rove to be re-deployed
to Okinawa where his non-plan for staying the course can be
regarded more earnestly. The Murtha Doctrine also calls for Karl
Rove to go on a diet, so his ideas will be able to qualify for “plan”
status. This will help the U.S. regain its stature in the world.
5. The Murtha doctrine calls for the redeployment of all air
conditioners in Washington to Okinawa where they will better help
the troops fight the terrorists in Iraq. In addition, the lack of air
conditioners in D.C. will help lend more credibility to the Bush
administration’s non-plans for the War on Terror. The air
conditioning re-deployment will be paid for with a “windfall profits”
tax on Halliburton. We use a lot of oil and the Murtha Doctrine
understands this, but the Chinese use a lot, too.
6. Taking a stand that will probably draw the ire of Democrats, the
Murtha Doctrine says we have already won the military war, that it
was accomplished when Saddam’s regime was toppled and that
there was no more reason for the military to be in Iraq. This is yet
another reason why the Murtha Doctrine argues for the military to
be re-deployed to Okinawa, where Saddam’s regime is still thriving.
7. In summation, the Murtha Doctrine states that Iraq is worse
today than it was six months ago and that “staying the course is not
a plan” because Karl Rove’s office is air conditioned. The Murtha
Doctrine further states that the U.S. military’s presence in Iraq is
the problem and if we just leave, everything will be resolved. As
evidence of this, Murtha points to Karl Rove’s weight. Murtha uses
the following analogy to explain his doctrine: if you are playing a
football game and neither team is winning, you are therefore losing.
In order to win, you need to move your team to another stadium
and that way you can run your plays without anyone getting
tackled. Meanwhile, because you left the original stadium, your
opponent will simply give up and go home.
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