Despite Vanilla-Flavored Conspiracy, New Orleans
Votes Chocolate
by William Satire
intolerant. Chocolate gives me gas. I wouldn’t survive in a chocolate
city,” the man said.
Others simply thought Nagin was taking his chocolate-covered
agenda to far. “I heard he plans to reinforce the levees with Mr.
Goodbars?” said another voter. “It’s time for a change.”
Only Minor Racial Tensions
Despite Nagin’s rhetoric, racial tensions didn’t surface at the polls.
There was only one report of a racially motivated incident. According
to police, there was a minor altercation when a black man eating a
chocolate bar accidentally bumped into an Asian man eating peanut
butter from a jar.
“You got chocolate in my peanut butter!” the Asian man reportedly
yelled.
“You got peanut butter on my chocolate,” the black man shouted
back.
According to eyewitnesses, tensions eased when both men hesitantly
took bites and agreed that when you mix the two together, it makes
for a tasty treat.
--continued below--
Votes Chocolate
by William Satire
- COCOA ORLEANS - Mayor Ray
Nagin made headlines when he
vowed to rebuild New Orleans as
a chocolate city. Then, with the
kind of Gaul one only finds in
politics, Nagin accused his
opponents of being racists,
claiming a “vast white-wing”
conspiracy was working to unseat
him in the election.
- Chocolate is Not for Everyone
Many voters resented the
implication that they were voting
along race lines. “I’m not racist,”
said one man who cast his ballot
intolerant. Chocolate gives me gas. I wouldn’t survive in a chocolate
city,” the man said.
Others simply thought Nagin was taking his chocolate-covered
agenda to far. “I heard he plans to reinforce the levees with Mr.
Goodbars?” said another voter. “It’s time for a change.”
Only Minor Racial Tensions
Despite Nagin’s rhetoric, racial tensions didn’t surface at the polls.
There was only one report of a racially motivated incident. According
to police, there was a minor altercation when a black man eating a
chocolate bar accidentally bumped into an Asian man eating peanut
butter from a jar.
“You got chocolate in my peanut butter!” the Asian man reportedly
yelled.
“You got peanut butter on my chocolate,” the black man shouted
back.
According to eyewitnesses, tensions eased when both men hesitantly
took bites and agreed that when you mix the two together, it makes
for a tasty treat.
--continued below--
DNC Hates Black Mayors?
But not everyone was open to the idea of getting chocolate in their
peanut butter. It turns out Mayor Nagin wasn’t totally off-base with
his claims of a conspiracy against him. According to the Drudge
Report, the Democratic National Committee was actively working to
unseat Nagin in a push to make Landrieu the first white mayor to
head the Big Easy in three decades. It was a move many street-side
experts saw as racially motivated.
Chocolate Rights
In addition, Spolitics.com has learned that the DNC wasn’t acting
alone. While Howard Dean was orchestrating the movement, most
of the money came from one source: Hershey, Pennsylvania.
According to interviews conducted by Spolitics, the conspiracy
wasn’t totally motivated by race. Instead, many participants were
inspired to action by a sense of pride as to who were the rightful
owners of the moniker “Chocolate City.”
“We’re the Chocolate City,” said one resident of Hershey who
donated several hundred dollars to Landrieu’s campaign as well as
volunteered. “You can smell it in the streets. You can taste it in the
air on a bright summer’s day. For this guy Nagin to come around
saying New Orleans is the chocolate city, that’s an attack on
everything we stand for. Hershey, Pennsylvania is the chocolate
city. It is now and it always will be.”
Chocolate Money Flows in Like River
According to bank records obtained by Spolitics.com, almost all of
the outside money that poured into the New Orleans mayoral race,
several million dollars, came from Hershey, Pennsylvania. In
addition, hundreds of volunteers flocked to the southern city to
distribute candy bars with “Vote Landrieu” wrappers and reminders
that “There’s white chocolate, too.”
The northern invasion helped Landrieu make a strong showing, but
despite the Hershey citizens’ best efforts, Nagin was still able to win
reelection proving that New Orleans is, at least, chocolate with
macadamia nuts inside.
Members of Nagin’s staff were elated by his improbable victory.
Said one aide: “This just goes to show that while race and candy
bars may still be an issue in this country, incompetence is not.”
But not everyone was open to the idea of getting chocolate in their
peanut butter. It turns out Mayor Nagin wasn’t totally off-base with
his claims of a conspiracy against him. According to the Drudge
Report, the Democratic National Committee was actively working to
unseat Nagin in a push to make Landrieu the first white mayor to
head the Big Easy in three decades. It was a move many street-side
experts saw as racially motivated.
Chocolate Rights
In addition, Spolitics.com has learned that the DNC wasn’t acting
alone. While Howard Dean was orchestrating the movement, most
of the money came from one source: Hershey, Pennsylvania.
According to interviews conducted by Spolitics, the conspiracy
wasn’t totally motivated by race. Instead, many participants were
inspired to action by a sense of pride as to who were the rightful
owners of the moniker “Chocolate City.”
“We’re the Chocolate City,” said one resident of Hershey who
donated several hundred dollars to Landrieu’s campaign as well as
volunteered. “You can smell it in the streets. You can taste it in the
air on a bright summer’s day. For this guy Nagin to come around
saying New Orleans is the chocolate city, that’s an attack on
everything we stand for. Hershey, Pennsylvania is the chocolate
city. It is now and it always will be.”
Chocolate Money Flows in Like River
According to bank records obtained by Spolitics.com, almost all of
the outside money that poured into the New Orleans mayoral race,
several million dollars, came from Hershey, Pennsylvania. In
addition, hundreds of volunteers flocked to the southern city to
distribute candy bars with “Vote Landrieu” wrappers and reminders
that “There’s white chocolate, too.”
The northern invasion helped Landrieu make a strong showing, but
despite the Hershey citizens’ best efforts, Nagin was still able to win
reelection proving that New Orleans is, at least, chocolate with
macadamia nuts inside.
Members of Nagin’s staff were elated by his improbable victory.
Said one aide: “This just goes to show that while race and candy
bars may still be an issue in this country, incompetence is not.”
| The stories on Spolitics.com are made up for entertainment purposes. Spolitics maintains that nothing on this site is accurate. Anything that happens to be accurate is purely accidental, coincidental or both and Spolitics will fire the writer responsible. Copyright © 2006 Spolitics.com. All Rights Reserved. |
| In this Orleans, the streets are paved with chocolate. |