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Former President Clinton Implicated in Crime Spree
by William Satire
according to the cashier on duty at the time, who says Mr. Clinton
milled about the machine for several minutes while his security detail
kept shoppers from entering the store.
“Then, he bent down and unplugged the machine and started to wheel
it away from the wall,” said the cashier on duty. Once it became clear
the former President was trying to remove the machine from the store,
the cashier tried to intervene to no avail. Two agents grabbed him and
wrestled him to the ground, telling him it was a matter of national
security.
National Security Donuts?
Spolitics.com spoke with several local residents who say this is just the
latest in a string of thefts in which the President is the prime suspect.
To date, Mr. Clinton is wanted in connection with a missing popcorn
machine, a soft-serve ice cream machine, and an entire Dunkin'
Donuts franchise.
While it is well-known that the President is involved in these thefts, he
is using his former stature as a head of state to escape prosecution.
“Every time someone tries to stop him, his goons tackle the person to
the ground and tell them it’s a matter of national security,” said one
shop owner who preferred not to be named. “I don’t know what his
current role is in preserving our national security, but apparently it has
something to do with eating donuts and drinking Slushees.”
--continued below--
by William Satire
- Bill Clinton is wanted for
questioning in connection
with a robbery at a
convenience store in which
the former President is
alleged to have absconded
with a Slushee machine.
- The Clinton Caper
The former president was
“overjoyed” upon entering
the store and seeing that
according to the cashier on duty at the time, who says Mr. Clinton
milled about the machine for several minutes while his security detail
kept shoppers from entering the store.
“Then, he bent down and unplugged the machine and started to wheel
it away from the wall,” said the cashier on duty. Once it became clear
the former President was trying to remove the machine from the store,
the cashier tried to intervene to no avail. Two agents grabbed him and
wrestled him to the ground, telling him it was a matter of national
security.
National Security Donuts?
Spolitics.com spoke with several local residents who say this is just the
latest in a string of thefts in which the President is the prime suspect.
To date, Mr. Clinton is wanted in connection with a missing popcorn
machine, a soft-serve ice cream machine, and an entire Dunkin'
Donuts franchise.
While it is well-known that the President is involved in these thefts, he
is using his former stature as a head of state to escape prosecution.
“Every time someone tries to stop him, his goons tackle the person to
the ground and tell them it’s a matter of national security,” said one
shop owner who preferred not to be named. “I don’t know what his
current role is in preserving our national security, but apparently it has
something to do with eating donuts and drinking Slushees.”
--continued below--
Neighborhood Clinton Watch
The threat is so real, local shop keeps have taken up a collection to
form a neighborhood “Clinton watch.”
“We pay some kids to keep an eye on him,” said the owner of the
local McDonald’s who fears his restaurant is a rich target for a
Clinton attack. “That way, if he’s headed for our stores we can lock
up. It’s our only defense.”
The real danger sign, residents and store-owners say, is if the
former President is wearing sweatpants. “There’s only one reason
why Bill would put on sweatpants and it ain’t to go jogging,” said
the owner of the local fudge shop who had to close his doors
because he couldn’t afford the rise in insurance after the string of
Clinton thefts.
Junk Food Kleptomania
While Mr. Clinton refused to participate for this report, a friend of
his did agree to speak on condition of anonymity. “Those of us
close to Mr. Clinton believe he is suffering from a rare form of
kleptomania that is restricted to junk food,” said the friend.
According to our source, this should come as no surprise to
Americans who remember the scandals that hit when Mr. Clinton let
people sleep in the Lincoln bedroom if they promised to bring a
pepperoni pizza. Or how he traded military secrets to China in
exchange for a lifetime supply of Crab Rangoon. Or how he was
caught taking furniture from the White House. Says our source, “He
was going to hock the furniture for Ding-Dongs.”
Democratic strategists have stressed concern over how Clinton’s
new hobby could effect his fellow Democrats in the upcoming
election. “He’s a great fund-raiser,” said one insider. “But we’re
staking our whole campaign on the Republicans being corrupt.
Given this rampage of junk-food burglaries, how can any candidate
stand on the stage with President Clinton now? It’s a great loss.”
The threat is so real, local shop keeps have taken up a collection to
form a neighborhood “Clinton watch.”
“We pay some kids to keep an eye on him,” said the owner of the
local McDonald’s who fears his restaurant is a rich target for a
Clinton attack. “That way, if he’s headed for our stores we can lock
up. It’s our only defense.”
The real danger sign, residents and store-owners say, is if the
former President is wearing sweatpants. “There’s only one reason
why Bill would put on sweatpants and it ain’t to go jogging,” said
the owner of the local fudge shop who had to close his doors
because he couldn’t afford the rise in insurance after the string of
Clinton thefts.
Junk Food Kleptomania
While Mr. Clinton refused to participate for this report, a friend of
his did agree to speak on condition of anonymity. “Those of us
close to Mr. Clinton believe he is suffering from a rare form of
kleptomania that is restricted to junk food,” said the friend.
According to our source, this should come as no surprise to
Americans who remember the scandals that hit when Mr. Clinton let
people sleep in the Lincoln bedroom if they promised to bring a
pepperoni pizza. Or how he traded military secrets to China in
exchange for a lifetime supply of Crab Rangoon. Or how he was
caught taking furniture from the White House. Says our source, “He
was going to hock the furniture for Ding-Dongs.”
Democratic strategists have stressed concern over how Clinton’s
new hobby could effect his fellow Democrats in the upcoming
election. “He’s a great fund-raiser,” said one insider. “But we’re
staking our whole campaign on the Republicans being corrupt.
Given this rampage of junk-food burglaries, how can any candidate
stand on the stage with President Clinton now? It’s a great loss.”
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