Beware: There's a Bank-Killing Schumonster
on the Rampage
by William Satire
When Senator Charles Schumer tossed the bomb that blew up
IndyMac Bank, most New Yorkers were shocked that a
respectable member of their community could turn out to be a
bank killer.
“I'm just stunned,” said one woman who declined to give her
name.
“Sure, he could be an ass,” said a former staff member who
would only speak if we withheld his name. “But I never expected
he could do something like this. Not in a million years.”
But others maintain that what happened on that fateful June 30,
2008 was in keeping with the darker side of the Chucky Schumer
they knew growing up... a kid they called the Schumonster. An
investigation by Spolitics.com has revealed that Chuck Schumer
has always harbored a deep-seeded hatred of banks and,
according to those familiar with the senator growing up, the
Schumonster has been plotting his revenge for decades.
“In retrospect, we should have seen this coming,” said a
childhood acquaintance who would only speak on condition of
anonymity because he was afraid the senator may retaliate by
killing his bank next. “The Schumonster always hated banks.”
According to our sources, the psychotic behavior started when
the senator was eight years old and his father brought him to a
bank. Little Chucky asked the teller for a million dollars and
when she wouldn't give it to him, he became sullen. Many believe
that was the day Chucky turned into the Schumonster. Soon after
the visit, Chuck's father bought him a piggy bank. A week later,
the piggy bank was gone, never to be seen again.
“I can't prove it,” said another childhood acquaintance who would
also only speak without being named, “But I know he killed that
piggy bank. It was probably the Schumonster's first victim.”
Another childhood friend claims to have witnessed the
Schumonster melting a plastic bank with a magnifying glass;
another says the Schumonster once asked if he wanted to shoot
porcelain piggy banks with a BB gun with him; and a third says he
often saw him drawing pictures of banks on fire or blowing up.
The Schumonster's hatred toward banks was irrational until
college where he was introduced to Marxist theory. There, his
hatred took on a more philosophical form. According to one of
our sources: “Before, if you asked Chuck why he hated banks so
much, he just say, ‘I don’t know, I just do.’ But after college he
started talking about how they fed the capitalist pigs. He stopped
calling them banks and started calling them troughs. ‘Why do you
think they call them piggy banks?’ he once asked me. He
couldn't pass an ATM machine without complaining about how
there were ‘troughs’ everywhere.”
Adding a cruel irony to the tale, as a Senator of New York, the
bank-hating Schumer would have to get cozy with the banking
industry who would provide the majority of contributions to his
campaigns over the years. Said one of our sources: “You've
heard of keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?
Yeah, well, the Schumonster's heard it, too.”
Now, with his position on the Senate Banking Committee,
Senator Schumer is in a perfect position to exact his revenge on
banks throughout the United States.
“You add the mortgage meltdown to the credit crunch to Chuck
Schumer and you have a perfect storm for an unprecedented
wave of bank failures,” said one analyst.
“By the time the Schumonster is done, we'll be lucky if a single
bank is still standing,” said a former friend. “Give him a TV
camera and a microphone and he's like a five-foot Godzilla
storming through the banking industry.”
Perhaps the scariest thing of all, say our sources, is the fact that
the only ones who can stop Chuck Schumer are his fellow
Democrats, who have been eerily silent during his rampage.
“Let's be honest,” one analyst told us, “they’re not exactly bank
lovers themselves. They won't admit it, but they're happy about
what Chuck is doing. The more banks he can kill, the more it
weakens capitalism. They see the Schumonster as a useful idiot in
their quest for world socialism.”
Until the situation can be dealt with, experts are recommending
that people remain inside when possible and stay away from
banks. No one knows when or where the Schumonster will
strike next.
on the Rampage
by William Satire
When Senator Charles Schumer tossed the bomb that blew up
IndyMac Bank, most New Yorkers were shocked that a
respectable member of their community could turn out to be a
bank killer.
“I'm just stunned,” said one woman who declined to give her
name.
“Sure, he could be an ass,” said a former staff member who
would only speak if we withheld his name. “But I never expected
he could do something like this. Not in a million years.”
But others maintain that what happened on that fateful June 30,
2008 was in keeping with the darker side of the Chucky Schumer
they knew growing up... a kid they called the Schumonster. An
investigation by Spolitics.com has revealed that Chuck Schumer
has always harbored a deep-seeded hatred of banks and,
according to those familiar with the senator growing up, the
Schumonster has been plotting his revenge for decades.
“In retrospect, we should have seen this coming,” said a
childhood acquaintance who would only speak on condition of
anonymity because he was afraid the senator may retaliate by
killing his bank next. “The Schumonster always hated banks.”
According to our sources, the psychotic behavior started when
the senator was eight years old and his father brought him to a
bank. Little Chucky asked the teller for a million dollars and
when she wouldn't give it to him, he became sullen. Many believe
that was the day Chucky turned into the Schumonster. Soon after
the visit, Chuck's father bought him a piggy bank. A week later,
the piggy bank was gone, never to be seen again.
“I can't prove it,” said another childhood acquaintance who would
also only speak without being named, “But I know he killed that
piggy bank. It was probably the Schumonster's first victim.”
Another childhood friend claims to have witnessed the
Schumonster melting a plastic bank with a magnifying glass;
another says the Schumonster once asked if he wanted to shoot
porcelain piggy banks with a BB gun with him; and a third says he
often saw him drawing pictures of banks on fire or blowing up.
The Schumonster's hatred toward banks was irrational until
college where he was introduced to Marxist theory. There, his
hatred took on a more philosophical form. According to one of
our sources: “Before, if you asked Chuck why he hated banks so
much, he just say, ‘I don’t know, I just do.’ But after college he
started talking about how they fed the capitalist pigs. He stopped
calling them banks and started calling them troughs. ‘Why do you
think they call them piggy banks?’ he once asked me. He
couldn't pass an ATM machine without complaining about how
there were ‘troughs’ everywhere.”
Adding a cruel irony to the tale, as a Senator of New York, the
bank-hating Schumer would have to get cozy with the banking
industry who would provide the majority of contributions to his
campaigns over the years. Said one of our sources: “You've
heard of keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?
Yeah, well, the Schumonster's heard it, too.”
Now, with his position on the Senate Banking Committee,
Senator Schumer is in a perfect position to exact his revenge on
banks throughout the United States.
“You add the mortgage meltdown to the credit crunch to Chuck
Schumer and you have a perfect storm for an unprecedented
wave of bank failures,” said one analyst.
“By the time the Schumonster is done, we'll be lucky if a single
bank is still standing,” said a former friend. “Give him a TV
camera and a microphone and he's like a five-foot Godzilla
storming through the banking industry.”
Perhaps the scariest thing of all, say our sources, is the fact that
the only ones who can stop Chuck Schumer are his fellow
Democrats, who have been eerily silent during his rampage.
“Let's be honest,” one analyst told us, “they’re not exactly bank
lovers themselves. They won't admit it, but they're happy about
what Chuck is doing. The more banks he can kill, the more it
weakens capitalism. They see the Schumonster as a useful idiot in
their quest for world socialism.”
Until the situation can be dealt with, experts are recommending
that people remain inside when possible and stay away from
banks. No one knows when or where the Schumonster will
strike next.
| The stories on Spolitics.com are made up for entertainment purposes. Spolitics.com maintains that nothing on this site is accurate. Anything that happens to be accurate is purely accidental, coincidental or both and Spolitics.com will fire the writer responsible. Copyright © 2008 Spolitics.com. All Rights Reserved. |
